Kristoff's First Trip
by All-Kristanna
Summary: Injuries in the 1800's were treated with some remedies which today aren't considered exactly ideal. When Kristoff is presented with some new pain killers which he has never heard of, things get, well, out-of-hand. This gets a little racy... be prepared!


As he reached to hang Sven's tack on the wall, Kristoff couldn't help but let out a whimper. He had been rushing to get the final load for the day on his sleigh, and of course, he managed to pull a muscle low in his back with the last block of ice. The ride down the mountain had been slow out of necessity. Any bumps felt like he was being stabbed, and it being late winter, the roads were full of ruts and unmelted ice.

This wasn't the first time he had managed to do this, and he knew he was going to catch hell from Anna when he returned. She hated that he still insisted on harvesting. He knew that there was no financial reason anymore, but even being knighted by Elsa and married to Anna and probably soon to be given some other royal title which meant very little to him, he couldn't shake his desire to keep working with the harvesters. It was his escape, his alone.

But escapes were only interesting to him for short periods, anymore. He wanted to finish so he could hurry back to Anna and spend their typical day or so locked away in the bedroom after his trip.

This 24-hour frolic wasn't looking promising.

He had stood motionless for a few seconds, bracing himself against the short wall of Sven's stall, calming his breathing when he realized that his injury had just been witnessed by a stablehand.

"Sir Kristoff, you alright?"

His first attempt to speak made Kristoff realize that he was breathing rather shallowly until that point. The full breath to reply caught in his back.

"Yeah," he squeaked. It was possibly the most unmanly sound he had ever made.

"Begging your pardon, Sir, but I do believe you're lying."

Kristoff squeezed his eyes shut trying to power through the pain.

"You're point?"

The stable hand ambled toward him, digging through his satchel. "Pull something, Sir?"

"You're good at this," Kristoff grunted.

"Apologies, Sir, but I'm only trying to help."

"Yeah, well, unless you have a magic cure…"

"No, but I have this, Sir."

The stablehand retrieved a small brown bottle from his satchel.

Kristoff saw the small bottle and his stomach churned.

"Keep that damn laudanum away from me. Makes me feel horrible."

Kristoff tried to walk away, but three steps toward the stable doors, and he was grabbing once again for the nearest sturdy object to brace himself with. It just happened to be the stablehand. He was certainly a strong young lad, but not terribly large, and Kristoff's generous frame nearly made him buckle.

"Woah, Sir, this isn't laudanum. It's some new stuff my uncle brought back from the Americas. It doesn't make you all dopey like laudanum."

Kristoff realized he was in precious little condition to argue against something that might dull the pain. He could swill down a bottle of aquavit, but all it would do was make him sloppy. He could get a dose of laudanum from the castle physician, but he knew he'd be completely out of it and nauseated. Maybe this was something he should try.

"So what's in it?"

The stablehand lifed the bottle and tried to read.

"Co…ca…nee..nay, and har…o…nee it says."

He had never heard of it. Or anything even close.

"You say it works?"

"Like a charm, Sir. I always feel like I can manage all of Arendelle when I take this."

Kristoff so desperately wanted to be with Anna this evening. It had been far too long, and he was practically growing antlers. But even more, he didn't want to get into a row with her over whether or not he should be harvesting. If she knew he was injured, it would only make his next trip that much more stressful for her, and the departure to be fraught with aggravation.

He heaved as deep a sigh as his back would allow. "Fine, may I try it?"

"Of course, Sir! That's why I offered it to you!"

The stablehand handed Kristoff the bottle which was only about a quarter full.

"Jan, c'mere!"

The stablehand looked toward the voice. "I'll be right back, Sir. You'll be OK?"

Kristoff nodded, staring at the bottle, attempting to appraise its contents.

As the stablehand darted off, Kristoff kept staring at the bottle. It seemed innocuous enough. Clearly the little guy who had offered it to him had been using it, and he didn't seem any worse for wear. Just then another muscle spasm shot through his low back. _What the hell do I have to lose?_ he thought. He pulled the cork and in one swift motion dumped the rest of the elixir down his throat.

"Blech! This tastes like turpentine." He set the bottle on the wall of Sven's stall just behind him. Sven was too busy eating his oats to even care. "Well, buddy, let's see if this works."

Sven grunted, mouth full of food.

"Don't talk with your mouth full."

Kristoff gingerly made his way out of the stable. He couldn't tell it this stuff was actually working or if it was a placebo effect, but with each step toward the castle, he felt just a little bit looser, a little bit stronger, and was looking forward to his day-long reunion with his wife.

With every step, Kristoff felt his strength and vigor returning. His hobble faded as he approached the castle doors, his nod to the guards just a bit bouncier than he expected. His stride picked up again as he headed down the corridor which led to the private apartments, and when he hit the spiral staircase, he started to nearly jog up them.

 _Whoever invented that stuff deserves to be a millionaire! I feel great!_ he thought to himself as he rounded the second floor landing.

He stopped himself short at the apartment door, realizing that he had entered a near sprint. "Wow," he said aloud. He couldn't believe how he was feeling. His heart was racing, he was becoming giddy, and his trousers, normally quite loose for freedom when working on the lake, had grown strangely taught. "Easy, buddy! Let me get in the door!" he laughed out loud.

Then he started shushing himself. Somewhere on the staircase, he had left his inhibitions. He lost all sense of the normal grumpy Kristoff, and had miraculously transformed into a giddy, horny schoolboy. One who was behaving like he had seen his first nude drawing, like he was going to do something "naughty" and he liked it.

With great effort, he slowly opened the door to their apartment. The main living area was quiet and dark, with the exception of a fire burning low in the fireplace. He attempted to close the door quietly, but in the process fumbled with the knob to the point of making a small racket, and another loud self shushing broken with laughter.

"Kristoff?" Anna's voice called from their bedroom. Her voice was quickly followed by her sleepy self entering the doorway to their bedroom.

Kristoff threw himself bodily against the door and cast a large, toothy grin at Anna. Wiggling his eyebrows, his words left him a bit more slurred than he thought they should have. "Hey, Feistypaaaaaants…"

Anna cocked one eyebrow. "Kristoff, what's going on?" She stood in the doorway, confused by this clearly inebriated hulk of a man trying to be both quiet and sexy, and failing miserably at both.

"I want you!" He started to cross the room, only to run right into the arm of the sofa by the fireplace and crash face first into the cushions.

Anna gasped and ran over to him. "Have you been drinking?" she asked. Her voice sounded part scolding, part concerned.

A muffled "Nope" came from the cushion, face still planted firmly into it.

He gallantly tried to right himself gracefully, but looked rather like a newborn foal, uncertain of how gravity and limbs worked together to get himself from one place to another.

Anna stared at him, confusion and a growing concern crossing her face.

As he managed to right himself onto his knees in front of the sofa, he reached up and pulled Anna towards him. He kissed her deep and hard, but passionately.

Anna pushed him away. "Kristoff? Kristoff, look at me."

His face had slipped to kissing her breast.

"Kristoff? Come on, look at me." She pulled his face up and saw a sad look in his eyes, seeming like dark pools in the low light of the living room.

"I'm sorry." He began to cry.

"For what? Are you OK?"

"I just need you." Tears began to run down his face.

"Why are you acting so strange?"

"I can't tell you."

"Why?"

"You'll be mad at me."

"Are you drunk?"

"NO!" he shouted a bit louder than he meant.

"Ok, ok. Then what's going on?"

Kristoff heaved a great sigh. "I hurt myself."

Anna paused. "Okay…"

He groaned as if telling her this was painful. "And Jan gave me something from America."

"Okay…"

He dropped his head to her chest with all its weight. "And now I need sex."

"Kristoff…"

"Look!" He stood up and promptly dropped his pants, his erection springing up with a vengeance.

Anna stared. "I see…" she said hesitantly.

He nearly fell back to his knees, his dark eyes locked onto hers. "Please?"

A confused but loving smile crossed her face. "Are you really in any condition?"

Kristoff took this question as a challenge. His answer was another deep kiss, his tongue darting into her mouth, his hands running up and down her sides. As he kissed her, he could feel her relaxing and he began to pull up her nightshirt.

He broke his kiss from her mouth, as they both gasped for breath. He began to drop his head to taste her cheek, her jaw, her neck, her breasts, all the while gathering her nightgown so he could taste her. It was all his goal.

He pushed back on the floor and began to reposition himself to bury his face deep within her, eager like never before to please her, to enjoy her scent and taste.

"Well, hello there!"

Anna froze.

"And what's your name?"

And without any warning, from beneath the skirt of her nightgown, Anna heard a peculiar, small, feminine voice.

" _I don't have one yet_."

Kristoff responded, "Now, we can't have that, can we?"

Anna's mouth fell open.

The small voice responded, " _Could you please give me a name_?"

Anna clamped her legs together as if to stop what had begun. "KRISTOFF!" she scolded.

His head was now trapped between her thighs.

"Giselle?" his muffled voice asked, unfazed by his current physical position.

" _No, sounds old_ ," the little voice responded.

At this point, Anna released Kristoff's head and pushed him back.

"YOU ARE NOT DOING THIS!"

Kristoff had been thrown to his rear on the floor in front of her. The look on his face was of innocent confusion. "Doing what?"

"Giving a voice to my… MAKING IT TALK!"

Kristoff cocked an eyebrow.

"It's cute with Sven, but my vagina has neither a name nor a voice!"

There was a knock at the door. "Anna?" Elsa's voice questioned from the other side.

"But she deserves a name considering how much I kiss her!" Kristoff responded completely disregarding his sister-in-law outside their door.

"No!" Anna scolded as she marched to the door.

Anna opened the door to see a concerned Elsa standing, wringing her hands.

"Is everything OK?" Elsa asked.

"Oh, we're fine. I think Kristoff got his hands on some new pain drugs."

"Dagmar?" Kristoff asked from his position on the floor.

"Well, that's what I'm here to talk to you about," Elsa continued.

"Jørgina?"

"A stablehand named Jan reported to one of the guards that Kristoff was in severe back pain earlier this evening, and he offered a pain killer his uncle had brought back from the Americas," Elsa explained.

"That fits the story," Anna encouraged.

"Regina! Well, no, you're not really the queen…"

"Well," Elsa knit her brows together at the peculiar roll-call going on in the apartment, "apparently, he took somewhere between a double or triple dose of some pretty strong stuff."

"Gerda? No, that would be confusing…"

Anna sighed in relief. "So this should pass then?"

"In all likelihood, yes."

"Anna! No, that'd be _really_ confusing."

Elsa looked past Anna into the apartment, "Um, what's going on?"

"You really want to know?"

"Now I'm not sure I do."

"Well, you're family now. So, since there are no secrets in family…"

"Nevermind, I don't want to know."

"He's in the process of naming my vagina."

"ANNA!"

"You asked."

"I told you I didn't want to know!"

"But c'mon, where's the fun in that?"

Kristoff had managed to get himself to his feet. "I'VE GOT IT!"

Anna spun around and Elsa got to have a full glimpse of Kristoff, rock hard, pants still around his ankles, attempt a victorious step forward, topple face first back into the sofa.

"Goodnight!" Elsa announced, face redder than ever, as she spun on one heel and fled back to her quarters.

Anna heaved a great sigh and shut the door.

Kristoff triumphantly announced something, although the upholstery managed to make it unintelligible.

Anna walked back to her obviously high husband and tried to right him.

He lifted his head "Whaddya think?"

"About what?"

"The name?"

"I said no names!"

"But it's sooooo gooood!" Kristoff whined.

Another sigh. "What is it then?"

"Kristianna! It's part me _and_ you!"

Anna winced. Twisting her face she asked, "Really?"

"C'mon, let's try it out!"

Kristoff valiantly managed to drag himself to the bed, where upon flopping down, he passed out.

Anna stood over him, one hand rubbing her temple.

"You're gonna be the death of me, Bjorgman."

She began to undress him as best she could so he could sleep comfortably.

A smile crossed her face. "But it's gonna be a fun ride getting there."


End file.
